I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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