It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
