You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
