I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
cat food counts as protein by the way
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
