I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
