they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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