just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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