a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
