ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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