I wish my penis had an off switch
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
