my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
