i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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