I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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