Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sext me about skeletons
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
