I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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