By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
