If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
