K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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