Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just cropdusted the office
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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