I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
