I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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