I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
