His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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