guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
