Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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