ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
babies were throwing up all over the place
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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