after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
