I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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