I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
