I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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