There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
