I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
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Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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