you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should my penis look like a turkey
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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