the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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