Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
