I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
