I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
