So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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