i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
