Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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