I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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