She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
