My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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