I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
