dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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