I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
