I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
