our cab driver is having phone sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
