we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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