OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
