Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
