I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
