I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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