i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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