I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
