My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
