I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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