Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
