Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
