My cat gives me a boner
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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