Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
